day 3

today i planned for my mum to drop me somewhere near han chiang ... then i would walk to *'s house.. why do i even bother doing this? just 2o mins walk...... * probably wont be happy seeing me.. jus annoyed.. or maybe burdened.. but i miss *.. im scared.. to see another person there.. or im scared * will not let me in the house.. * has lots goin on today so i wil probably b followin * around and seeeing * from far.. dear diary.. i seem like a dog dont i.. seriously sometimes i dont need people to tell me im stupid.. i know it. but its hope and love that keeps me going. until im not capable of loving someone.. i will always love *. i love you........i really do. if only * loves me back.. i hope when im walkin to *'s house.. a car hits me. i rather hurt that way. damn it.


---to mr cupid,
give me the strength to get through today.

2nd day alone

diary...... today with my own eyes.. i saw * with another person.. my tears fell. my heart ached. still is aching. i love you i love you i love you...i was screaming i love you in my heart.. the coward that i am just cried n kept it in of course. what could i do? love and loyalty is not enough. in this world right now.. will it be enough.. i know im not supposed to do things to hurt myself now.. especially with stpm comin.. but i read *'s blog.. then our blog.. i cried in the showers for 45 mins.. then slept whole evening.. was under blanket.. crying. i know.. i cry a lot.. sound so stupid.. my heart hurts n i cant tell anybody.. my mum would kill me if she sees me.. my friends would worry..*? * will only ask me to take care.. then leave me. so wat if * leaves u?! stand up and move on.. i still love *..* only thinks that i need * cause of stpm n mum.. no.. its beacuse i wan to have a future with you.. now.. i will only see you and know that.. my future would always be... seeing * from far.. n loving *. i will cry. but i wont stop lovin.

---to mr cupid,
i hav been a good girl.. i really hav. help me

1st day loving some1 who doesnt love u back..

this blog will hav no pictures of me.. of my life now.. because this will be a real diary.. where tears cannot be seen but feelings can be felt from merely words. i never knew wat blogging was for til * introduced me.. then we started our very own blog. (: the sentimental me took it seriously.. i have never ever loved anyone the way i love *. but of course whats the point? only i know this. * wil leave me. i know it. its anytime now.. but i hope its a lil bit later.. my heart cannot take it... i planned my future.. with *.. but i simply am not good enough. when will i ever be?.. i know wats the truth.. that i have alway been loving some1 who doesnt love me back.. i just kept telling myself.. * will love me.. * will change for me.. every time * tells me i love u.. i opened my heart n believed *. now.. * wants 2 let me go so badly.. cheated behind my back for 5 times within 3 years.. but now.. my heart still says.. give * a chance.. Ada.. are u really so desperate? are u really so stupid? ar u really so worthless? ... yes i am all dat.. i just wan * to love me.. * will never know how much i love *.. cause * is letting me go.. after the event.. or even before.. i will b just Ada.. and it'll be like our roads never crossed.. do i regret? yeah i do.. i regret not bein able to meet * earlier.. and prevent *'s first love.. then mayb my lov story would hav been a good one.. now? Ada, please stop crying yourself to sleep.. you've been having fever for a few days.. if u wan 2 die.. do it faster. dont suffer.. wait, not a good idea.. *.. can u hear me? my heart is screaming for u now.. but of course.. u never could hear me.. i am by your side always but u never noticed.. i wan to stop feeling this pain. i dont mind being hit by a car. right now. hit me.who am i u must b wonderin.
dear diary.. i am Ada.
this blog is my message to mr cupid.

----to cupid,
let me feel wat is love.